Long story that I will write more about later, but it looks like I’m miscarrying again. There is so much to say about what I think went wrong, how frustrated I am with my OB’s nurse (but not my OB), my thoughts about trying again…

We don’t officially “know” yet, but at my 6 week u/s on Friday, there was nothing to be seen, and my hcg was dreadfully low – only 600-something, up from 281 a week before. That’s just not enough.

I’ll probably speak with the crappy nurse tomorrow and set up an appointment to meet with the OB to determine what to do next. I feel that I should have been put on Prome.trium at the very beginning, given my low BBT and previous miscarriage.

Unfortunately, my body must think it’s still pregnant (the OB thinks I absorbed the baby…weird) because I’m only spotting and still feel pregnant. It’s a weird limbo feeling.

I’m handling this much better than last time because I hadn’t really let myself get attached to this baby. Not really fair to the baby…but I loved him or her all along anyway.

There’s also the deal with how my mom reacted, but that’s another post on its own.

We’re supposed to have a potluck with my CRHP group next weekend and I just don’t think I can handle it with the pregnant women…

What I just don’t understand is why God would allow me to get pregnant twice, only to lose them. What purpose does that serve? Would I rather have never gotten pregnant? I guess it’s impossible to say. I know that for the first one, it was a huge part of the witness I gave on my CRHP weekend. I’ll have to wait and see what purpose this one serves.

Goodbye, sweet angel baby. I’ll love you forever.

Unbelievable! I am officially four weeks pregnant today. For some reason, this cycle felt different. For starters, I had completely handed control over to God. That was not easy at all. I wish I had done it sooner because it offered me tremendous peace. But I finally realized that it wasn’t all up to me.

I was cramping a lot earlier than I normally do – I usually only cramp a day or two before my period. But I cramped throughout most of my luteal phase. My bbs started getting more and more tender – that was my telltale sign during my last pregnancy. The other morning at work, I had some yogurt for breakfast and was still hungry. I rummaged through my drawer and found a bag of cheddar Sun Ch.ips and that sounded amazing. I devoured the bag at 10 in the morning. Weird.

I tested yesterday morning first with a Do.llar T.ree test and thought I saw a faaaaint line. So I used an Equ.ate test next (this gave me my strongest BFP last time, aside from the obvious “Pregnant” with the Cle.arblue Eas.y Di.gital). I saw another faint line. I tried the Ai.mstrip, which is supposed to be super sensitive. This was the faintest line of them all – I may have been imagining it. But the Eq.uate was definitely visible.

I went to work yesterday and wanted to call Tim all day and tell him. But I knew I should wait until I got home. The day went by quickly, but the drive home was agonizing. It helped to listen to Catholic Answers Live!

I got home, gave Tim a kiss and went upstairs to change into comfy clothes. While I was up there, I took a pen and wrote, “Hi Daddy!” in a word bubble on my tummy. I then walked downstairs casually in PJ pants and a b.ra. Tim was just getting up from his office chair. He looked at me funny at first, then saw the word bubble, looked more closely to read it, and got this really excited look on his face. “No way!” he said as he wrapped me in a hug. I showed him the pg test. We agreed that we had tempered excitement because we wanted a more definitive answer.

SO, this morning, I was temping and while the thermometer was beeping away, I was laying in the dark, thinking, “I really feel pregnant. I remember this feeling from last time. I will be disappointed if my temperature goes down today…but it’s all in God’s hands.” The thermometer signaled that it was done, and I looked at it. My temperature had shot up again. Usually by this point in my luteal phase, I have either just started AF or am about to start – my temp. is going down or is already below the cover line.

I took this as a good sign and stumbled into the bathroom to test. I used Eq.uate first. I saw a line, but it wasn’t as bold as it had been with my last pregnancy. So I tried a Do.llar Tr.ee test next. Barely there line. I ripped open the FR.ER. They say those give no evap lines – a line is truly a line on them. I could make out a faaaaaaint line. Frustrating. I stared at them for a few minutes, then went to get Tim.

He squinted in the bright light and looked at them. He couldn’t really see anything on the Do.llar Tr.ee, but saw faint lines on the other two. He said, “just take a digital!” I was really afraid of seeing “Not pregnant.” But I did it anyway. It took FOR-EV-ER for the results to come up. I kept walking back to the bedroom and then walking into the bathroom to see if it had finished yet. After what seemed like fifteen minutes but was probably three or so, I looked down and saw one beautiful word: “Pregnant.” I yelped and looked into the bedroom. Tim was back in bed and was smiling.

I’m quite ticked that all of these “early detection” tests have never worked for me. Both pregnancies, the Eq.uate worked the best, and of course, the Cle.arblue Eas.y Di.gital confirmed it in plain English. : ) So with these experiences, I don’t think I’ll be relying on FR.ER or Aim.strip anymore.

I am a bit crampy today but I guess it’s just stretching to make room for the baby! I am trying with all my might to continue to turn everything over to God. It’s not in my hands, it’s not my will that will bring this baby to full-term. It’s God’s will that will be done. I have no control.

I’m going for a blood draw this afternoon so that I can get my results before the weekend.

St. Gerard Majella, pray for us.

Thank you God, for this beautiful gift.

Yesterday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  It was a busy day as it was our last CRHP meeting, and our first day in the new office at work! I am exhausted and can’t wait to sleep in tomorrow.

I went to Hal.lmark after work yesterday to pick up some Boss’ Day cards, and decided to browse a bit before I checked out. The Christmas ornaments were out and I saw so many that I wanted. When I first walked in, I saw one of a man and woman snowman holding a tiny baby snowman. I stared at it for a while, wishing that I could have bought it for our baby who was due two days after Christmas this year. I moved on to the other ornaments and saw a First Home one that I wanted, and another snowman one that was just a couple with a heart and was so cute. I saw another baby one I would have loved – a small baby in a pea pod with a ribbon attached that said “Baby’s First Christmas 2009.” My heart was heavy.

I moved over another section and saw some really nice Holy Family ornaments that I liked, but they were a bit pricey. I usually wait until the day after Christmas and go to Ko.hl’s and clean up on Hal.lmark ornaments! I’ll hopefully find a Holy Family one this year. But then I saw one that stopped me in my tracks and took my breath away. It was a candle, and laying next to the candle on the “dish” part of the candle holder was a small boy with light brown hair, a blue nightgown and angel wings. Written on the candle holder was “Sleep in Heavenly Peace.” I just about lost it. I knew I had to have it, no matter the price.

I went to pay and tried to use a coupon, but apparently they’re not valid on the Kee.psake Orna.ments. I didn’t care; I said I’d take it anyway. A candle on the day I was to light a candle for our son, a sleeping little boy with angel wings and the words “Sleep in Heavenly Peace.” It was truly Heaven sent. So fitting on that day, that God would direct me to the perfect ornament.

I lit Tim’s and my CRHP candles together last night – he was out of town on a business trip. I expected to be a lot more emotional, but I didn’t cry at all. I just felt peace and relaxation. It was wonderful.

Today is five months since we lost our sweet baby boy. It is also the feast day for St. Gerard Majella. Again, how fitting! It’s amazing to see God at work in the little details.

I am 9 dpo and feeling very peaceful about this cycle. I’m not focusing on the agonizing days of waiting that lie ahead. It is what it is, and it’s all God’s.

Whew, what a weekend! Friday night was a bit later than I had anticipated – Tim and I babysat for a co-worker of mine. They have a daughter that will be one in January and a son that will be three in December. We had a great time, and stayed about an hour after they got home just talking. On any other Friday night this would have been no big deal, but we still had a 30 minute drive home, so we got home around 11. I had to eat, shower, pack, and sign and seal letters to the 36 women for the retreat.

I only got about four hours of sleep Friday night. We woke up at 5:15 on Saturday, and Tim drove me to the church. He had volunteered to help clean the kitchen for us with one of his CRHP brothers. The moon was still out, and it was really weird because I don’t remember the last time I was up that early.

Anyway, the weekend was amazing. I got really nervous about an hour before my witness. I was shaking and crying after the woman before me went. I knew I was up next. So many of my sisters came into the Adoration chapel while I was praying with Tim, and they prayed with and over me. It was so peaceful. The spiritual director for the CRHP team that gave to us just so happened to be about to go into Adoration, and saw me outside of the chapel. I was crying and telling her how nervous I was. She is such a gift. She hugged me, soothed me, and asked if she could come in to pray with me.

Right before I went in, Tim handed me the rosary he had just been using to pray for me and told me to put it in my left pocket. I didn’t know why at the time, but he told me this afternoon that Fr. John Corapi says to put your rosary in your left breast pocket so it’s close to your heart, and if you don’t have such a pocket, put it in your left pants pocket because it’s like a sword. Stick with me – if you had a sword, you’d draw it with your right hand (most of us, anyway) from your left side. So that’s why Tim said I should put it in my left pocket. I did, and I was also holding the clutching cross the entire time, running my fingers over the edges.

My right knee shook the entire time I was witnessing. I kept hearing sniffles and gasps the entire time. It was dark, except for candles and a couple of lamps. When it was over and my song had played, the lights came back on and I took a look around as my sisters were coming up to affirm me. I looked at the women on the receiving team and saw tears. Some of my sisters were bawling as they came up to affirm me. We were all a lot more emotional about everything this weekend, even though we’ve heard the witnesses before.

I also got to help out a young woman – age 21 – who was really struggling. One of my sisters who was at her table had asked me to talk to her since I’m the closest to her age. So I had talked with her at dinner and said that I knew what it was like to be the “baby” in the group, but that even though there were women on my team who were old enough to be my grandma, I loved them as if they were sisters my own age. I told her I understood how uncomfortable it could be, but that it was so rewarding to have stuck with it, and that she could talk to me if she needed to.

The night went on, and we were setting up the sleeping room while the receiving ladies were in Reconciliation. All of a sudden, the young woman came running out of the Adoration chapel, tears streaming down her face. I caught her, put my arms around her, and she said, “I just can’t be in there right now.” I took her to the restroom and asked if she’d rather be left alone. She shook her head no. She said she didn’t think she could keep going with the weekend. I told her it was so normal to think that (one of my other sisters was in there and was reinforcing what I was saying), that I had wanted to just walk out and walk home on my weekend, but that it had been so worthwhile to have stayed. Long story short, I ended up going outside with her and another sister and we just talked to her for about an hour and afterwards, she said, “OK, I can do this,” and had a small smile on her face. I considered it a huge victory.

Well, that night, I only got about 2.5  hours of sleep. We had to finish writing little letters to the women at our table, went to sleep for an hour, woke up to go to Adoration for an hour, then went back to bed for about an hour-and-a-half. There were quite a few LOUD snorers in our room, so I had shoved bits of paper towel in my ear (it now feels bruised inside). I just slept horribly, and not long enough. I woke up the next morning and my stomach was a mess.

I can normally fight off feeling sick – mind over matter – but this was too much. I have a bit of a sinus infection. That, coupled with little sleep, made me out of whack. I found one of my sisters (who was co-facilitator), and said, “Is there any way we can get into the other set of restrooms? I think I’m going to be sick.” She grabbed my hand and said, “Me too, let’s go.”

She proceeded to throw up when we got there. I had *ahem* other gastrointestinal issues. And then dry heaved for about half an hour. I tried drinking water, laying down, walking it off…went to the Adoration chapel to pray, and started shaking. I was able to pray with a sister who was about to give her witness, but then I sat back down. Our spiritual director walked over and touched my hand (she later told my husband that I was all clammy). She said, “Do you need to go home?” I started crying and said, “I don’t want to.” She replied, “I know you don’t. You’ve done a beautiful job. You did what you were called to do. Thank you.” I said, “You’re welcome,” then got up, genuflected, and said I wanted to call Tim.

I was SO disappointed to have missed some of the most powerful parts of the weekend, but I’m trying to remember that it’s not about me. I physically couldn’t do it anymore yesterday. I came home and slept for close to seven hours. I got several e-mails from my sisters today saying how wonderfully everything went and how powerful the Mass was yesterday evening. I am bummed that I missed it, but praising God that the women of CRHP 48 got so much out of it – THAT is what the weekend was about. Giving them the blessing of a weekend that will jump-start change in their spiritual lives.

I can’t wait to see everyone on Thursday and hear more about it.

*************

One of my sisters e-mailed me this evening and said that everyone thought I’d been sick because I was pregnant. I haven’t written her back yet. I will tomorrow…

Today was CD 12. I am sick, and ordinarily, that would be enough to make me stress about whether or not this month would be a bust. But I have gained extraordinary peace in the past few weeks about turning it over to God. I’ve always wanted to be able to do so, and God has granted me His graces and allowed it to happen.

For whatever reason, it really sunk in that I am not in control. God is. He will bless us in His time. Do I wish it was definitely going to be this month? Yes. But He knows when the time will be right. I can only do so much – the rest is up to Him. I’m tired of stressing and trying to control every last detail about TTC. It’s exhausting and stressful. It’s a relief to not really worry about being sick or if one teensy thing I do will mess up our chances of conceiving. When we got pregnant last time, we weren’t even trying. It’s about God’s timing, not mine. And I’m at peace with that.

That’s what St. Padre Pio said. I am trying to cling to it more and more. That’s all we can do. I know I wrote about hoping and then being let down, but we should have all the hope in the world in God’s great plans for us!

I’ve been sick since last Thursday and it’s gotten me down. I was obsessing about which medicines I could take that wouldn’t mess up my chances of conceiving this cycle, but finally last night I decided that I just need to be healthy, so I took some Mucinex. I can feel everything starting to break up, and I think I’ll take another Mucinex after lunch. It helps that I read that the half-life for the medicine is one hour.

I’m just trying to keep it simple – pray, hope and don’t worry. God will take care of the rest.

I think I’ve pinpointed the reason the 2ww is so hard. It’s because during the rest of my cycle, I feel like I’m being proactive. I do everything I can to promote optimal chances of conception. CD 3-7, I’m taking Letrozole. So for those five days, I’m doing something positive toward conception. I start temping again on CD 8, and know that four days later, I start OPKs and we time BDing appropriately. Super-OB has recommended approximately every 36 hours on CDs 12-18. It’s after that phase that I start to feel restless. There’s nothing I can do after that point. I’ve done everything I could, and now I have to just wait it out for fourteen days. It’s awful.

I had a meeting with my CRHP sisters Saturday morning – it’s lovely to spend the morning in fellowship, discussing our faith and eating yummy food while we worked on binders for our retreat (this weekend!).

After my last post, during my drive to meet Tim for dinner, I called our spiritual director in tears. I told her my feelings of doubt and unworthiness regarding my witness. The Holy Spirit gave her just the right words to say to encourage me and fill me with God’s peace. She said I must have some great things to say that are going to touch a lot of women, or Satan wouldn’t even bother trying to tell me not to give the witness.

I arrived at our meeting on Thursday ready to soldier on. The meeting was great, for the most part, but I am still dealing with my feelings about seeing the three pregnant women in our group. It is so hard for me to understand how everyone can continue to talk about pregnancy and how wonderful it is, and cravings and maternity clothes, when I am standing two feet away, still grieving the loss of my son.

I know I’m being tested. I know I need to do the right thing. But oh, it is so hard.

ETA: AF is officially here. Moving on to cycle 5 post m/c.

Looks like today might be CD1. My temp dropped .3 degrees yesterday, and another .2 today. I was cramping on and off yesterday, and woke up cramping this morning. I’m just spotting right now, which is odd – usually once I see any sign of blood, AF comes on full-force pretty quickly. My bbs are exceptionally sore right now, but I know that probably doesn’t mean anything.

Since I’d been cramping so much yesterday, I thought I’d prepared myself for the disappointment of AF today. But I found that I am very upset. I know I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, but again, there’s that whole hoping and having faith – fully believing that God could have blessed us this month because He wants us to be happy.

Not this weekend, but the next (Oct. 3-4), I am going to be part of a team giving a retreat at our church. I am giving a witness to a group of close to 70 people about what the Christian community has done for my faith life. As we draw nearer to the weekend, Satan is starting to attack. He’s been at it for a few weeks, telling me that my witness will be meaningless to the women on the retreat – that it will be a waste of time.

There are three women on my team who are pregnant (all three got pregnant within a month or two of my miscarriage – what are the odds?) – one of whom is pregnant with twins. The one pregnant with twins is the one I’ve written about before – the one who told me I shouldn’t be angry about my miscarriage.

One of them is pretty far along, but only told us about three weeks ago (she hid it well) because some tests showed that her baby might have Down’s Syndrome. Of course, I am completely sympathetic. But she’d known for a long time, and instead of telling me by myself (which our spiritual director had asked her to do), she told the entire group at once, and one of the women actually said, “We are so blessed in this group to have so many babies!” That’s when I lost it. I quietly got up and left the room, high-tailing it to the restroom, where I burst into tears.

One of the other women came in and found me, and took me for a walk around the outside of the church. She said she was so mad that people didn’t “get it” – that people are so oblivious to hurt. It was really comforting to me. But still, I don’t get it either! I lost my child four-and-a-half months ago. People don’t ask how I’m doing. It’s as if they’ve forgotten, or they think that I’m over it. Or they just don’t think at all. I mean, REALLY – “We are so blessed in this group to have so many babies!”???

All of this is to say, I am really struggling in this group right now. I know that’s not God’s intention for me – He gave me this group to help me, not hurt me. But it is so, so, so indescribably hard to go to the meetings each week and see three visibly pregnant women, when I should be close to seven months pregnant by now. I want to give up on this group. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m begging for God to chase Satan away.

St. Michael the Archangel, pray for us.

There’s believing and hoping that this will be our month, having faith that God wants us to be happy. And, He told us to be fruitful and multiply. We’re trying.

I want to believe and have faith, but I also am afraid to get my hopes up. There’s a thin line between the two. I just know that it hurts too much when I’m let down again.

I got a rash on my neck on Monday, which I figured was just from my sweater. But the next day it had spread to my arm, chin, torso and chest. And yesterday it had spread to my other arm. Awesome. It didn’t itch, but I decided to go to the doctor yesterday to make sure it wasn’t contagious. I saw her PA (after close to an hour-and-a-half wait, but that’s another story), and she said she thought it was folliculitis (inflammation of hair follicles), but she wanted to run tests for MMR (yikes!) to be sure.

She wrote a prescription for some antibiotics, but I told her we were trying to get pregnant and I was 6 dpo, and I wanted to know if the medication would affect a baby. So she ordered a qualitative hcg blood test (I hate when they do qualitative, btw). I was thinking 6 dpo is way too early for anything to come up. I got the phone call this morning that the pregnancy test came back negative, as did the MMR screens (thank God), so I should start the antibiotics.

After some Googling, I’ve determined that this mild case of folliculitis should go away on its own in a couple of weeks. It doesn’t itch and the spreading has stopped, so I’m going to leave it alone. I don’t want to risk anything if I am, in fact, pregnant.

I just really don’t think 6 dpo is giving any potential baby a chance to implant, let alone, start producing hcg that will be circulating in my blood. Implantation usually occurs between days 7-10, and it can still take 4+ days after that for hcg to be detected. If I get BFNs next weekend, and the folliculitis has gotten worse, I may start the antibiotics, but otherwise, I’m leaving it alone.

I’m feeling pretty confident that the Letrozole worked this cycle – my temp spiked yesterday and stayed up today. Just need tomorrow’s temp to confirm, then I call super-OB’s office to schedule blood work to check my progesterone levels.

When we met with the OB, he told us not to anticipate getting pregnant on the first cycle of Letrozole. I understand the reasoning – all the meds do is make me ovulate. They give me the same chances as any woman with a normal cycle, which is about 25% each cycle. But it’s been nearly four months since I miscarried. I have hope that this could be our time again.

Just a little while ago, I asked Tim if he thought we’d gotten pregnant. Of course there’s no way to know, or even guess. He said he sure hoped so. I reminded him of what the OB had told us about conceiving the first time around on the meds.

He replied, “We could be special.”

That’s all I need.

Today is CD 16. I started testing with OPKs on CD 12, and had yet to get a +. I was a bit nervous, but was hoping that I just had a short surge that couldn’t be detected by testing only once a day.

I was waking up to temp around 7, going to the restroom, and going back to bed. (I took this whole week off from work, so it is great for testing!) This morning I didn’t go to the restroom when I woke up to temp, so my FMU was at 11 a.m. I knew that with this particular brand, using FMU was OK, so I decided, what the heck, I’ll go for it.

The test line quickly showed up DARK – I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was for sure as dark as the control line, if not a bit darker. I took it to Tim to get his opinion. I think I was almost as happy to see that positive OPK as I was when I got the BFP in May. I am just thrilled that the Letrozole appears to be working.

I’ll probably test around 11 with FMU again tomorrow, and keep testing until I get a negative. FF tells me that according to the OPK results, I should O between today and Friday. Please, God, let this work.

Also, yesterday I finally got a piece of jewelry to remember my son by. I’d been thinking I’d get a necklace, but nothing was jumping out at me. Finally, we went to Jam.es Av.ery and I found the perfect thing: one of their Rememb.rance rings with a December birthstone. My son was due December 27th, 2009. It is absolutely perfect.  I feel like some outfits don’t look right with a necklace, but with a ring, you can wear it every day. It’s simple and a perfect reminder of our sweet baby boy.