Posted by: Court | July 26, 2009

Surprised to find…

This morning, we did some major kitchen cleaning. We were going through stacks of papers and filing them away. Tim handed me something from my insurance company – I usually don’t read them since everything can be found on the company’s Web site…but for some reason I decided to open it.

It was a letter letting me know they’d been trying to contact me regarding my new pregnancy. That I could call them and they’d send me a “Mommy package” with breastfeeding DVDs and other information about having a healthy pregnancy. I surprised myself by laughing out loud when I read this. I thrusted the papers into my husband’s hands and continued cleaning up around me.

I think it caught him offguard more than it did me – the fact that I was able to laugh at this, rather than get fuming mad. I looked at it as unfortunate that they hadn’t gotten the memo that I’d miscarried, but for some reason I wasn’t upset this time.

I read something the other day about a chart on grief – it looks like a series of mountains and valleys, but eventually, the valleys get less and less steep. It is my heart’s prayer that I’m getting to the point where they’ll level out. But I do recognize that it’s entirely possible (and more likely, probable) that I will see a few more valleys before I reach that point.

I received a very important piece of information last Thursday. By sheer chance, (or was it, God?) one of my CRHP sisters came into Chip0tle as Tim and I were finishing our meal. We got to talking about grief (she has had her fair share) and she told me something that has changed the process for me. She told me it was OK to be angry.

After having been told by a different CRHP sister, who had experienced a m/c in January, that I shouldn’t be angry, I had taken a step back and wondered if she was right. I wondered what I was doing wrong, that I was angry and she wasn’t. It put a hindrance in my grieving process.

After I talked to the sister at Chip0tle, I allowed myself to feel everything. At our CRHP meeting that night, during shared prayer, one sister announced her pregnancy. Another announced that she was carrying twins, rather than the singleton she’d originally thought. The tears had already started rolling down my cheeks, and someone offered me a tissue. But soon, I could no longer hold them in. One of my sisters hugged me and asked if I was OK.

I said no.

She asked if I wanted to leave the room.

I nodded.

She whisked me out of the room, and I immediately doubled over and burst into full-blown tears. She talked with me outside of the room for a few minutes, until I was able to calm down.

That event, coupled with twenty or so minutes of Adoration after our meeting, brought me an unexplainable peace. Except it is explainable – it’s the peace that only Christ Himself can offer.

I am so grateful that I received “permission” to be angry. To feel whatever I feel. The grief process is not the same for everyone, but if you ignore your feelings, you’ll hinder yourself.

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