Posted by: Court | August 26, 2009

Hope

Tomorrow’s the big day. Well, one of the big days, I guess. I start the Letrozole. When I originally met with super-OB, he said I’d start on 2.5 mg once a day. Of course, me being overly paranoid, I was worried that 2.5 mg/day wouldn’t cut it.  I’m just so ready to be pregnant again after the miscarriage, and I would hate for 2.5 mg not to work, and have to mess around with that dosage for a few months before we upped it. But I figured that wasn’t something I could mess with so I sucked it up. Lo and behold, when I pulled my prescription out of the bag last night, I saw 10 pills in the bottle. I thought it was a two month supply, since I’m only supposed to take it CD 3-7. But I read the instructions on the bottle that said I was supposed to take two 2.5 mg pills each day. So I’m excited to be starting out at 5 mg/day and hope it will do the trick the first time.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that maybe once I have my first child, I’ll realize why the timing just wasn’t right with my first pregnancy. Like maybe I’m about to get in a serious car accident, and the baby would have been hurt. I was pondering that on the drive to work this morning. What will that event be? Will it be anything at all? Was there a reason that I miscarried?

I’ll be giving a witness to a retreat group in October and the pinnacle is the miscarriage and how it affected my relationship with God. Anger consumed me for weeks, but in the end, it has pulled me closer to Him. It has caused me to rely on Him more and trust that He knows what I do not.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know well the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope.” I wonder if the reason I miscarried was so that I’d have the story of God’s faithfulness to share with the women on this upcoming retreat. God represents the fight I have left in me, my every hope for the future.

Lamentations 3:21-24 “But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have hope: The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, His mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is His faithfulness. My portion is the Lord, says my soul; therefore I will hope in Him.”

Please, dear Heavenly Father, bring us our miracle baby soon.

And sweet son of mine in Heaven, I love you and miss you every day.

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