Posted by: Court | September 24, 2009

Struggling

ETA: AF is officially here. Moving on to cycle 5 post m/c.

Looks like today might be CD1. My temp dropped .3 degrees yesterday, and another .2 today. I was cramping on and off yesterday, and woke up cramping this morning. I’m just spotting right now, which is odd – usually once I see any sign of blood, AF comes on full-force pretty quickly. My bbs are exceptionally sore right now, but I know that probably doesn’t mean anything.

Since I’d been cramping so much yesterday, I thought I’d prepared myself for the disappointment of AF today. But I found that I am very upset. I know I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, but again, there’s that whole hoping and having faith – fully believing that God could have blessed us this month because He wants us to be happy.

Not this weekend, but the next (Oct. 3-4), I am going to be part of a team giving a retreat at our church. I am giving a witness to a group of close to 70 people about what the Christian community has done for my faith life. As we draw nearer to the weekend, Satan is starting to attack. He’s been at it for a few weeks, telling me that my witness will be meaningless to the women on the retreat – that it will be a waste of time.

There are three women on my team who are pregnant (all three got pregnant within a month or two of my miscarriage – what are the odds?) – one of whom is pregnant with twins. The one pregnant with twins is the one I’ve written about before – the one who told me I shouldn’t be angry about my miscarriage.

One of them is pretty far along, but only told us about three weeks ago (she hid it well) because some tests showed that her baby might have Down’s Syndrome. Of course, I am completely sympathetic. But she’d known for a long time, and instead of telling me by myself (which our spiritual director had asked her to do), she told the entire group at once, and one of the women actually said, “We are so blessed in this group to have so many babies!” That’s when I lost it. I quietly got up and left the room, high-tailing it to the restroom, where I burst into tears.

One of the other women came in and found me, and took me for a walk around the outside of the church. She said she was so mad that people didn’t “get it” – that people are so oblivious to hurt. It was really comforting to me. But still, I don’t get it either! I lost my child four-and-a-half months ago. People don’t ask how I’m doing. It’s as if they’ve forgotten, or they think that I’m over it. Or they just don’t think at all. I mean, REALLY – “We are so blessed in this group to have so many babies!”???

All of this is to say, I am really struggling in this group right now. I know that’s not God’s intention for me – He gave me this group to help me, not hurt me. But it is so, so, so indescribably hard to go to the meetings each week and see three visibly pregnant women, when I should be close to seven months pregnant by now. I want to give up on this group. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m begging for God to chase Satan away.

St. Michael the Archangel, pray for us.

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