Posted by: Court | September 28, 2009

It goes on, and on, and on, and on…

I think I’ve pinpointed the reason the 2ww is so hard. It’s because during the rest of my cycle, I feel like I’m being proactive. I do everything I can to promote optimal chances of conception. CD 3-7, I’m taking Letrozole. So for those five days, I’m doing something positive toward conception. I start temping again on CD 8, and know that four days later, I start OPKs and we time BDing appropriately. Super-OB has recommended approximately every 36 hours on CDs 12-18. It’s after that phase that I start to feel restless. There’s nothing I can do after that point. I’ve done everything I could, and now I have to just wait it out for fourteen days. It’s awful.

I had a meeting with my CRHP sisters Saturday morning – it’s lovely to spend the morning in fellowship, discussing our faith and eating yummy food while we worked on binders for our retreat (this weekend!).

After my last post, during my drive to meet Tim for dinner, I called our spiritual director in tears. I told her my feelings of doubt and unworthiness regarding my witness. The Holy Spirit gave her just the right words to say to encourage me and fill me with God’s peace. She said I must have some great things to say that are going to touch a lot of women, or Satan wouldn’t even bother trying to tell me not to give the witness.

I arrived at our meeting on Thursday ready to soldier on. The meeting was great, for the most part, but I am still dealing with my feelings about seeing the three pregnant women in our group. It is so hard for me to understand how everyone can continue to talk about pregnancy and how wonderful it is, and cravings and maternity clothes, when I am standing two feet away, still grieving the loss of my son.

I know I’m being tested. I know I need to do the right thing. But oh, it is so hard.

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