Posted by: Court | December 7, 2009

The rollercoaster

I don’t know how I’m moving forward right now. Literally I am thinking only about the minutes and hours ahead. Not days, months, years. It’s too much. I can only focus on breathing through today.

There was an Advent Brunch at our church Saturday morning. A bunch of us from CRHP were going to go together, and tables had been reserved. But I e-mailed one of my sisters and told her I wasn’t feeling up to it (I figured hugely-pregnant-sister-who-keeps-e-mailing-updates-about-her pregnancy-despite-it-being-only-weeks-out-from-our-second-loss-in-6-months would be there). She wrote back and said, “I hope you will come.  You need our hugs and support!” I know she’s just trying to help, but she can’t possibly understand how difficult it would be to see the three pregnant women in our group, hearing everyone else ooh and ahh over them. I appreciated that when I e-mailed another sister saying I didn’t think I was going to the brunch, she replied, “As much as I’d like to see you, I’m not going to tell you that you should go because it will make you feel better. I hate when people try to tell me things like that.”

Saturday night, Tim and I went out to dinner before the basketball game. It’s a crowded pizza place in uptown that we rarely go to (far from our house), but love so much. The one downside is that you are so close to your dining neighbors that you might as well be sharing a table with them. And as such, you overhear their entire conversations. Not generally much of a problem…except we were sandwiched between a woman who was talking about leaving her job once she got pregnant, and a couple who were apparently very, very early in their pregnancy. Literally about two minutes after they were seated, the woman started talking about a babymoon and how she didn’t know if she could travel at XYZ time in her pregnancy, how she might have a sip of wine, how she wasn’t sure if she could take a pain pill. It was an absolute nightmare. I felt sick. WHY, God?

I can’t escape it. We stopped watching The Of.fice at the end of last season when Pam found out she was pregnant. Even when I learned I was pregnant with Joy, we didn’t start watching it again. There are times when I miss it – it really is a hilarious show. But I can’t bear to watch how incredibly easy they make it all look. We just started watching Heroes season one, and I happened to see that the next episode we watch will be one in which Matt’s wife reveals that she’s pregnant. Of course she is. Because apparently it is ridiculous to ask for a mind-numbing show in which none of the characters are pregnant. OH, OH, and I was happily watching Ugly Betty last Saturday morning on our DVR, and “Next week on Ugly Betty…” both Betty and Hilda get positive pregnancy tests?! What gives?

I have no idea how I’m still watching Glee, given that a 16-year-old is pregnant and I’m supposed to feel sorry for her, and Will’s wife has been lying about being pregnant the entire first season. I guess the music keeps me coming back.

Yesterday after RCIA, I was talking to one of the team members and she asked how everything was going [with the pregnancy]. I told her that I’d had an ectopic, and she asked if I would like the team to pray over me. I said I would really appreciate that, so she went to round everyone up. It was a lovely and peaceful prayer, but afterwards, SO MANY of the women hugged me and told me, “I guess it just wasn’t the right time.” I’m not sure why I haven’t snapped at that yet. I know it’s just my personality, and I know they mean well, but HONESTLY?! What do you say to that? Why is it the right time for crackheads, drunks, teenagers, unwed women, and it’s not the “right time” for me? Why would God give us two children and take them away weeks later? I know these are all selfish questions, and I’m not meant to understand it right now, but that is just so frustrating.

I know that with losing Daniel, the timing was just right for me to give a witness about what it did for my relationship with God. With losing Joy, I find myself back at the very difficult beginning of that cycle of grief. And I can’t figure out what the purpose was yet. I know I won’t know for a while…and who knows, maybe I’ll never know with her. But it aches. I can literally feel the achiness and emptiness in my bones and in my core.

In my core, I do know that God uses trials to bring us closer to Him. It seems so unfair, and it is very difficult to endure, but I found myself stronger in my faith after I went through the grief process so deeply with Daniel. I know that perhaps I will never be completely done grieving his loss, and I am re-living pieces of it with my loss of Joy. I am trying to remember in these recesses of grief that I know I will emerge stronger. I have that knowledge deep down. But in the interim, it is so hard to go through the day to day, the ups and inevitable downs.

I came across this verse today, and it’s exactly what I need:

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. – Romans 12:12 (I don’t have my Bible with me, so this is from biblegateway.com)

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