Posted by: Court | December 21, 2009

Moving (slowly) onward

After we lost Joy, I was so overwhelmed with the physical and emotional pain and stress that I was sure I wouldn’t want to even think about ttc for at least six months. I have been amazed at how this grief process has differed from when we lost Daniel. You’d think that since I am the same person who lost her first baby seven months ago (!!), I’d go through a similar grief process when losing our second baby. But then, I’m not the same person. Losing Daniel took a piece of my heart. And losing Joy took another piece. I know I shouldn’t let that define the person I am, but it does and always will. No matter how many children we end up having, I am a mother who has lost two babies. That will never change.

For every pregnancy here on out, I will be terrified until that baby is in my arms (I imagine I will be terrified that something else will happen to them once they’re born, but that’s another story). I look at pregnant women and wonder if they know how lucky they are. Of course, I’m sure some or many of them have been through losses themselves. I read a story the other day about a woman who had been through several losses and who was finally nearing term on a pregnancy. She saw a woman in a St.ar.buc.ks who noticeably turned away when she saw the pregnant belly. I’ve thought about this same thing as I see pregnant women – perhaps they’ve been through losses themselves. But then, perhaps they have not, and are blissfully unaware of the nightmare that is pregnancy loss/infertility.

Christmas is four days away. I should be six days away from delivering sweet Daniel. In fact, he could already have been here by now. That blows my mind. I can feel my heart aching.

And yet, I’ve surprised myself with the realization that I’m really wanting to try again. I’m eager for our RE appointment in January. I’m reading “Ad.opti.ng Af.ter In.fer.til.ity” right now and it has made me acknowledge that I’m not prepared to give up on having a healthy pregnancy. Sure, I’m scared out of my mind and never wanting to experience another loss again…but I’m not ready to give up.

I remember seeing the Stirrup Queens blog a loooong time ago, but didn’t feel the need to read it as I didn’t consider myself infertile. I started reading again not too long after we lost Joy. This post helped me feel like I belong somewhere, in some category. Now I do consider myself infertile in some way. And yes, there are probably people who resent that – the women who are years-deep in the pain of getting BFN after BFN. But you know what, losing two children in six months isn’t any easier. It’s a different kind of pain; there are different emotions involved. But then, some are the same.

I recently ordered Navigating the Land of If by the Stirrup Queen herself, and I am anxiously awaiting its arrival.  Silent Sorority is on my wish list.

After I have no use for any of these books anymore, and the others I’ve gathered on m/c and infertility, I plan on donating them to the library. I usually take my books to Hal.f Pr.ice Bo.oks, but I don’t think they need to profit from these particular items. They rip me off when I bring them items for store value, then turn around and sell them for 3x as much as they paid me. These are books that I have been disappointed to find that our library doesn’t carry, and I think other women could benefit from them. So I will donate them when I’m done.

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Responses

  1. Sending you warm wishes for peace, strength and understanding.

  2. Courtney,

    I’m praying for you. I’m remembering with you. You are not alone.

    Bri

  3. I am so sorry for your losses. Repeat pregnancy losses really do tear you to pieces and I hope and pray you have success in the future.


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