Posted by: Court | January 6, 2010

Decisions/thinking too much

I have a bad habit of stressing too much about things that are way out of my control. Of letting them occupy my brain so much that I can’t just enjoy the here and now.

This manifests itself so much in the IF journey. I’ll be doing really well and admitting that I have no control over an intra-uterine conception (other than having the sex that could lead to said conception). Then I start thinking, “What if I have another miscarriage? Another ectopic? At what point will I say, ‘Enough’?” Would I play it by ear? Should I set a “limit”? How do I answer these questions?

I can fully accept that both the miscarriage and the ectopic were bad luck. Would another change my mind?

There’s a part of me that wants to believe that next time it will work. I mean, I went through a fair share of grief last year. Yes it could be worse, but last year was plenty, thankyouverymuch. So next time should work, right?

Then I think, why would I deserve to have a healthy pregnancy next time around? Surely it’s stupid to assume that. There are thousands of women who lose many more than two babies before they have a successful pregnancy (if at all).

I’ve been researching adoption because I don’t want to come to the end of the road pregnancy-wise, and still have lots of research to do before we can start adopting. But am I getting waaaaay too far ahead of myself? What if it never comes to that?

I know I could be unnecessarily stressing myself out by doing all the research now, but I really want to have some basic (at the very least) knowledge of the process, cost, etc. So I’m trying to just leave it at that. Basics.

As long as I’m talking about adoption, it’s kind of a bummer that you have to “prove yourself” worthy of being parents. Not that there would be any problem doing so, I just resent having to do so when there are crack addicts and teenagers having children and nobody’s checking in on them.

And the cost?! $10-$25,000 for a child? I recognize that it’s not the child you’re paying for, but the government costs, agency and lawyer costs, etc. But that’s a lot of moolah! I hate hearing people say that if you can’t afford that, then you shouldn’t be having children (nobody has said it to me, I just have heard that it happens). Well, last time I checked, it doesn’t cost that much up-front to birth a biological child.

As you can see, I worry far too much about things that are out of my control and are currently irrelevant. How do I fix that?!

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