Posted by: Court | January 11, 2010

Alone

Yesterday in RCIA the topic was Birth Control/NFP. As an aside, my candidate has been very flaky (she needs to get an annulment and I’m not sure if she knows that yet…I’m leaving it to the guy in charge of overseeing annulments to break the ice there), so Tim and I have been sitting with his candidate and some friends.

The man who was catechizing has six children. He and his wife had one miscarriage many years ago, but since then have clearly had no problem conceiving (their children are spaced out an average of 18 months). He spoke about Genesis 1:28 (“Be fruitful and multiply”) and how he and his wife were open to life through the use of NFP, and prayed to be blessed with children, and VOILA! Six children! I was nearly shaking. I wanted to scream, “You have NO idea what you’re talking about!”

At the end of class, there’s Q&A, and there’s one super annoying woman who always has to ask questions she already knows the answer to (thinking she’s helping someone else, and she may be, but don’t ask the question – just say it!) or just pipe up with random information. She took the microphone and said, “My sister-in-law was having trouble conceiving and she used NFP as the reverse and they got pregnant in a couple of months!” And the catechist said, “That’s an excellent point…” yada yada yada.

Yes, because it really is THAT simple.

We are obeying God’s command to be fruitful and multiply. At least, we’re certainly trying. We are open to life. We use NFP. We pray to be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and healthy child.

It’s not that cut-and-paste. I really wanted to say something to him, but didn’t know what it would be.

After class, one of the team members came up to me and asked if I was doing OK and if it was hard to hear that talk. I thought it was so sweet of her to think of me and how difficult it was to hear that.

Tomorrow is our appointment with the RE! I asked Tim last night if he was excited, and he said he’s more interested than anything else. I guess that’s good. : )

——————

I met with our CRHP spiritual director for dinner sometime in mid-December. I told her I was not proud to admit it, but that it was really rough on me to be getting pregnancy update e-mails from K, the woman whom I’ve written about in the past (who told me not to be angry about our first loss). She had sent out an e-mail mere days after I informed everyone about my ectopic, saying she would need to be on bed rest and that she had developed GD. She said these last few months of pregnancy were going to be “really hard” on her. I just about lost it. I wanted to scream at her, “What’s WRONG with you?! Why would you e-mail me this? At least you get to keep your babies!!”

I relayed these thoughts to our spiritual director and she was not put off in the least. She said it was absolutely understandable. She said she would e-mail K and explain that it’s hard for me to get these updates at this point, so fresh from my second loss.

I figured that had been done, but last Friday I got another e-mail from K. I opened it (though I shouldn’t have) and immediately was plunged into anger at her again. An update of the movies she’s been watching while on bed rest, how much the twins weigh, when and where she’ll deliver…on and on for probably six or so lengthy paragraphs.

I deleted it. I have deleted every “reply all” e-mail that’s come from the group regarding her original message. I don’t think it’s right for me to go raining on her parade, as she’s likely excitedly anticipating the babies’ arrival, but should I have to suffer instead? I don’t know what to do with this.

——————

Just last week I was saying how cool it was that we had these new good couple friends. The woman had a m/c last January and they hadn’t been able to conceive since. I felt like it was a great friendship – two couples who had been through loss and who were also having trouble ttc. The woman and I had just been talking about adoption, the costs, the unlikelihood that it could happen for either of us in the near future. We connected on that.

Friday night, Tim told me that he’d gotten a text from the husband. She’s pregnant.

In my heart of hearts, I’m happy for them. I know how much they wanted to be pregnant again and how much they were starting to get worried about fertility issues. But I feel alone again.

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