Posted by: Court | February 4, 2010

On grief and faith

I read a post the other day by a man who lost his son to SIDS almost two years ago. His wife has since miscarried three times. They have one living child, a daughter.

His post was about “why not me?” I’ve written about this briefly before, and I’ve certainly thought about it at length.

I think maybe part of the reason that I am still trudging through the mud in my grief process is that this is the first core-shaking tragedy in my life. I had a very blessed and blissful childhood,full of sleepovers, sports, Girl Scouts, friends, and most importantly, abundant LOVE. From my parents, my friends and family, and from a God I did not yet know.

My parents got divorced when I was 21, and while it had me questioning what a real marriage looked like, I found my way.

Losing our babies made me question over and over again, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do others get to have perfectly healthy pregnancies over and over again, remaining blissfully unaware of this horror of pregnancy loss?”

But then, why notme? I was naive to think that I could continue to go through life without encountering life-altering trials. But since I’d had none before, I am new at this overwhelming grief thing.

So why not me? Why would I think that I, above or before anyone else, should have a perfectly healthy baby? It’s not a right, it’s a gift from God. How I wish we lived in a world where the only people who had babies were loving, capable parents, but that’s not the case. I have to accept that because it’s the truth. It will not change on this side of Heaven.

I understand that this may be hard to read if you’re not in the same place that I am in my grief, but this is where I am right now. I don’t expect it to make sense to everyone, or anyone for that matter.

I held a small baby at work today. He nuzzled his tired head into the space where my collarbone meets my neck and gummed at my shirt. I held him close and rocked him back and forth with my eyes closed. Yes, this is right. God wouldn’t have given me this strong desire to be a mother if that wasn’t His plan for me, right?

When I come towards the end of my deep grief cycle (I know this from when we lost Daniel), I can finally find comfort in the scripture that talks about trials.

1 Peter 4:12 – Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.

James 1:2-3 – My friends, consider yourselves fortunate when all kinds of trials come your way, for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure.

When I’m in the midst of grief, I find it difficult to find comfort in these words. Fortunate? Why on Earth would I consider myself fortunate with these trials?

But now, again I see myself arriving at this place where I see God has been patiently waiting. We are presented with trials to build our faith and work toward our salvation. It is not easy, quick or clean. We are called to walk this way. These trials do not catch God by surprise. He is beside us every step of the way, and understands when we can’t find the strength to accept our trials every minute of every day. Keep breathing. My faith abounds that He is good and His plans are greater than I could ever imagine. I pray that I remember this always.

On the aforementioned post, I saw a comment that really spoke to me: “We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, ‘Why did this happen to me?’ unless we ask the same questions for every moment of happiness that comes our way.'” – Anonymous

In that light:

Thank you God for my husband, my family, my job and amazing co-workers, our precious goddaughter and our church. Thank you for song, peaceful sunrises and sunsets, correspondence with longtime friends, for clean water, for freedom, our two crazy cats, photography, books, and all the precious things that have become “everyday” to me. You are SO good to me.

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