Posted by: Court | February 11, 2010

Rip my heart out

Oh, the rollercoaster of grief that is pregnancy loss and infertility.

I’ve been doing relatively well lately, feeling good about going into the next possible pregnancy with answers (hopefully soon!).

I’ve been able to successfully distract myself with crafts, reading and TV shows.

But this morning I got an e-mail from a CRHP sister. She announced that she’s 20 weeks pregnant, due at the end of June (when Joy was due). This is her fifth child. She’s 38.

It knocked the wind out of me. I know that’s not a normal reaction. But it was just so unexpected. K had her twins in January, leaving two pregnant women left in our group that I knew of. One sent an e-mail update yesterday (and she’d had a miscarriage as well…really, I continue to be amazed at the lack of tact that people have) saying she was “so very big and pregnant” and couldn’t make it to the book group. The other I see at Mass from time to time but she is just so holy and kind that I can never be mad at her.

Really, I didn’t think there was a possibility of hearing anything more about new pregnancies from the group because most of the women are older (average age of 40+) and done having children. I am really the only one in my position – younger, married and actively ttc.

So this just took me down several pegs. I have a serious weight in my chest now. Depressed. Lord, help me to put this out of my mind.

ETA: Just got a follow-up e-mail from another sister who said, “Great news! Wow, so many babies in this group!”

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

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