Posted by: Court | February 22, 2010

2/22/10

So, I’ve been very uncertain the past several days about my plans for the immediate future, re: ttc.

It’s been driving me nuts that I am not at peace with any decision at which I believe I’ve arrived. I thought I had decided that I was OK with putting off ttc, that I would just focus on training for the half-marathon with my co-worker and then do a Muddy Buddy race with Tim in May, and then I’d be ready to ttc again. That the three-month wait wasn’t a big deal.

But then another co-worker came into my office and announced that she was pregnant again. She has a three-year-old and a one-year-old. I’ve gotten pretty good at putting on the brave face and doing my crying later, but in this case I was surprised that I was genuinely excited for her. I love her two children, and have known her for three years, and just felt at peace with it. Sure, there’s a tinge of jealousy that it’s so easy for her, but that’s just the way it is, I guess.

Anyway, it made me think about my “decision” to put off ttc. I started mentally wrestling with both ideas, unable to reconcile them. I talked to Tim about it and he reminded me that they don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I hadn’t done the HSG or b/w this month because I was so ticked about the RE appointment and my super-long cycle (54 days). So I think it would be smarter/safer to not actively ttc this month, given that we don’t know the exact state of my tubes and all. And I’d like to be on Clo.mid or injectables for the next time. You know, to give me a better shot.

Sure there are reasons to wait, reasons to go ahead. None of them so are blatantly powerful that they are helping me make a decision. So I’m just moving forward with both.

Tonight I’ll start running/working out in preparation for hopefully the 1/2 marathon in May. Soon, I need to look at the calendar and figure out when I can get in to the doc to get all the b/w and glucose tolerance stuff done. Probably some upcoming Friday, when I can take a day off work.

—————–

Today my pregnant co-worker told me she was thinking I could go to some of her appointments with her, since her husband can’t really get off work to go with her. I know that she has to be thinking that it would be nice for me to experience this through her, but honestly, that would be an epic nightmare. In general, I do pretty well around babies and small children; it’s the pregnant women that get to me. Because in the recesses of my mind, I know that we’ll have a child one way or another…someday. But part of that dream for me is to experience pregnancy, to nurture life from within, to labor and birth a child so pure and fresh from God, who is a creation of my and my husband’s love.

And so to go to an OB’s office and be surrounded by pregnant women (many of who I’m sure got there [to a state of pregnancy] quite easily), go through the appointments and watch what I so badly want but cannot currently have…would be pure hell. I’ll leave it alone, unless she brings it up again. I think we have the type of relationship where I could politely decline and she’d understand.

Now, what’s going to be hard is the other co-workers in the office. There are two new girls who don’t know about my miscarriage and ectopic. And even those who do, I know they’ll just gush and ooh and ahh over this new pregnancy. It’s just going to be a hard road until I get pregnant again. Until we have a healthy child.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 – There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven.

—————–

One of the women in my CRHP group has a scheduled C-section for today. She e-mailed last Friday to tell us. I haven’t replied to any of the pregnancy-related e-mails that have been sent in the last three-ish months. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I continued to be copied on these e-mails. These women know and saw first-hand the anguish that I went through during our CRHP process and the loss of my two babies. Two of them experienced losses themselves. And yet, they send their happy pregnancy announcements to me anyway. As if that wasn’t enough, I get the congratulatory reply-all e-mails saying how wonderful it is that so many women are pregnant in our group, etc. Really?

Anyway, I have come to a place where I don’t feel guilty for not replying anymore. If they’re really that obtuse about how that might make me feel, then I just don’t feel bad.

But what I really wanted to do was write this e-mail in reply:

Dear X,

Please do not include me on the group announcement. I am having a rough time right now with several pregnancy announcements and with all of the replies we get from our group. I’d love to hear about the baby’s arrival, but not on the group e-mail, so that I don’t get all of the replies. Each one opens the wound that I am so desperately trying to heal. I do wish you all the best on Monday.

But I didn’t send it. I can’t decide if I should just put all of the e-mail addresses on my blocked list so that I won’t get these announcements. I know I’m alienating myself in some way (I’ve also decided I probably won’t be doing the book study for the time being), but it’s a form of self-preservation. I’m not going to put myself in emotionally difficult situations, and I am not going to feel bad about it.

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Responses

  1. I totally get the feelings you are having… sometimes it seems like EVERYONE is pregnant, well everyone except me. Were there this many pregnant people before I wanted to have a baby? Right now 6 of my friends are pregnant, and 3 friends just had babies. So I put a smile on my face, remind myself that I am happy for my friends. And I hope for the best… I have to be an optimist… can’t imagine otherwise. Good luck – I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


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