Posted by: Court | March 8, 2010

Updates

Oh my, I’ve been neglecting my blog. And my feelings about all the absolute craziness going on in my life right now.

Quick re-cap

– I’ve been reading about four books at a time. Fun, but stressful. I can’t focus on any one book. I got another book in the mail late last week that I am supersuperexcited about. I made it about 1/3 of the way through this weekend, as I did some crafting, photography and we installed a new light fixture in our foyer.

– I’ve started running again. I was a big runner in high school, mostly because I played soccer and was always in shape. And going for a jog was a part of that. When I got to college, I was able to maintain my weight with all the walking I did around campus. Then I graduated, got married shortly thereafter, and started a 9-5 desk job. I’d come home mentally exhausted and I just wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV, or go out to eat with Tim. I’m not back to the point where I totally look forward to running when I get home from work, but I always find that once I go, I’m proud of myself very quickly. And I noted that I was actually able to be proud of myself for the first time in…years. I told myself I’d keep running until I got to a certain point, and when I did, I was genuinely proud of myself for not giving up. It was a completely foreign feeling.

– Our goddaughter’s mom moved out of their house a week ago. My mind is overwhelmed by all of my thoughts about this. There is a lot of drama revolving around it and I hate, hate, hate that Tim and I have been sucked into it.

– You know how they say that the overwhelming love you feel for your babies is enough to make you forget the pain of labor, and that’s why women continue to want to be pregnant/have another baby? I feel the same way about pregnancy loss. Immediately after each loss, I thought there was no way I could go through that again. I was done. I felt that way especially after the ectopic, as we initially thought it was another miscarriage. But as time passes, my overwhelming desire to be a mommy takes over and the excruciating pain of pregnancy loss seems like a distant memory. I focus my energy on wanting to be pregnant again.

– I heard three pregnancy/baby announcements on Friday. Two of them were just fine because they’re good people who have been married longer than we have. But then I heard the third and it was this couple who haven’t been married as long as us, and the girl said they’re going to get fake piercings and put them on the baby. And she was complaining about her impending weight gain. I hardly know her. I plastered a really fake smile on my face and didn’t pay attention to the rest of her babbling. Ugh.

– Pregnant co-worker came in today and said a client of ours *might* be pregnant. And that they had been trying for six months. Then another co-worker said she was 2-3 weeks late for AF – she’s not married. She said her cycles are wacky, and they use birth control. So I don’t think she’s pregnant. Then she left my office and the pregnant co-worker said “Can you imagine if she was pregnant? I mean, it’s OK that [client] might be pregnant because they’ve been trying for six months…” implying that I’m certainly OK with that news, but wouldn’t be with co-worker’s. I didn’t say much, and felt myself tearing up a bit.

She has no idea what it’s like to lose babies, to try and try and get nowhere. To be told that it’s likely you’ll continue to have ectopics. To be diagnosed with weird reproductive disorders, and spend hours reading up on them and alternative treatments, praying that something, anything, will make your dream of motherhood come true. And it’s just so overwhelmingly frustrating.

– I did my bloodwork and glucose tolerance test on Friday. Wow…I guess I expected them to start a line or something so they wouldn’t have to stab me several times. Mmm not so much. They used a butterfly needle for two of the draws, but for the others they used a regular needle and towards the end when I was running dry, they had to dig around a bit to get the blood flowing. Ouch. Just waiting on the results now.

– I am getting really into crafting. I’ve started a new craft blog to keep track of that stuff separately, but I haven’t uploaded my projects yet. Hoping to do that this week.

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