Posted by: Court | June 25, 2010

The other side of fertility problems…it’s difficult sometimes

Something Tim pointed out recently is that I am so open now to being around babies. I point them out so much more often, I smile at their mommies, I’ve asked if we can go see friends’ new little ones. And it’s true. But as I told him, I think that’s just expected. It was so hard before for me. And on one hand, that’s not really fair. It’s not fair to the friends I have who had babies while I was struggling.

But on the other hand, it had to happen that way.

It was a significant part of my life, and I couldn’t subject myself to the hurt of being around newborns, pregnant women, etc.

On Father’s Day, they handed out little cards to all the dads at Mass. Well, they had all the dads come up and collect a card, anyway. Tim didn’t go up, saying he hadn’t had to change a diaper yet, so he wasn’t a dad yet. I chuckled. I smiled looking at all the dads. And then for a moment I thought about all of the men who long to be fathers. And their wives who were no doubt sitting uncomfortably next to them, fighting back tears. I’ve been there. I remember being so upset that they were calling special attention to moms when I wanted SO BADLY to be a mommy, to be included.

And it hurts me to know that that will always be the case. There will always be at least one woman sitting there, hurt. Oh, how I wish I had focused more on how much our Heavenly Father knows our hurt. I guess the best thing I can do is pray for these women. But I know that it’s part of their journey. So, so hard.

I know when I’d see pregnancy announcements on Fa.cebo.ok, especially from unmarried girls or those who had been married significantly less time than us, I would get so upset. I usually blocked them from my update feed. And now that I’m about to “out” myself on Fa.cebo.ok (probably next week after the u/s), I wonder if there are others who will see my status or pictures and who will feel jealousy, who will want to block me and who will probably think it came easily for us.

I’ve thought about whether I should note that we struggled to get here. How we lost two precious souls along the way. I wonder if that would help anyone, or just be more than most people need to know. Even some of my closest high school friends have no idea what we went through. I’m sure they’re wondering why we haven’t had children yet.

Overall, I guess the details are nobody’s business but our own. I think the fact that it would be more info than necessary outweighs the possibility that it might help anyone. Thoughts?


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