Sayonara 2009

There are so many great things about 2009. We bought our first house, I started my second year at an amazing job, we attended CRHP and expanded our church friendships…I learned a lot about myself.

But losing two children was something I never planned on doing in my lifetime, let alone in six months’ time. For that reason, 2009 was hands down, the worst year of my life.

As I think about the time I spent in mourning, the time that is gone and can not be re-visited, I look forward at 2010 and wonder what lies ahead. If, Heaven forbid, the future will bring us more losses, what will I do?

I remember right after we lost Daniel, I was off work for a few days. I met up with Beth for lunch and we went to La Mad.el.eine (we can only ever go by ourselves since our husbands don’t care for it). She had two miscarriages before they had their daughter, and she said after the first loss, she didn’t think she could go through another. Then she did.

I felt the same way. Before we lost Daniel, there was no way to comprehend the agony that accompanies pregnancy loss. I thought that I wouldn’t know how to move on if I ever experienced that.

Then it happened.

And yes, the process of grief and recovery was slow (and is still on-going to some extent), but I lived. I thought, surely, if it happened again, that I would lose all hope and not be able to move on.

Then it happened again.

And again, I find myself treading through the waters, sometimes with my head barely above water. But I’m alive. I’ve made it through again.

But I want so desperately for the cycle to end here. I’ve proven that I can overcome, and firmly believe that I could do it again, because by golly, we humans are resilient. I have amazed myself at how I’m still moving forward. But I want this to be the end of it. I don’t know how many more times I could stand it before I’d call it quits. I pray I’ll never have to know.

As I read more about the HSG, I am getting more and more apprehensive. Apparently it’s only really supposed to hurt or be uncomfortable if you have blockages in your tubes. And in my case, all signs point to that. So we’ll see what the RE recommends, but I imagine it will be an HSG, and I kind of think it’s the next best step because I want to make sure my tubes are OK after the ectopic. Rule out any glaring problems that would lead us to another ectopic.

2010 is off to a great start and hopefully by the end of the year we’ll have a warm, snuggly baby in our arms.